Top 100 Reasons To Be an Atheist

by The Holy Freak Team

You chances of being sexually assaulted by a priest decrease astronomically.
You don’t have to admit you believe in a talking snake.
Hotels come with emergency toilet paper.
You don’t have to worry about going to hell.
You can think based on reason, not faith.
“Why has God forsaken me?” becomes a lot easier to answer.
You can still give and receive gifts during “the holidays”.
You can tell women you are a badass atheist. Finally someone to piss off mommy and daddy!
You can join the ranks of the top contemporary intellectuals.
You can resist religious brainwashing (it does happen).
You can please God. (Maybe he prefers those who think for themselves.)
You can have a legitimate reason for not liking Muslims.
Instead of going to church you can do some volunteer work and feel better about it too.
Instead of going to church you can stay home and watch TV.
You can masturbate guilt free. Yay! (Just not in public…sorry.)
You can “cut the hair at the sides of your head” guilt free.
You can “wear material woven of two kinds of material” guilt free.
Your kids will never be disappointed when they find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
Your kids will never be disappointed when they find out The Easter Bunny isn’t real.
You won’t have to lie to your kids about Hellfire.
You can use birth control… guilt free.
You can disassociate yourself with the Spanish Inquisition, Islamic jihads, the Crusades, the Holocaust, Witch burnings, etc..
Galileo said “I think the earth goes around the sun.” An the church said “Destroy him.” You could come over the Galileo side.
You can lose the, “God makes me successful” crutch. Now you can be successful by your own merits.
You can learn from your mistakes. Instead of “it’s God’s will.” You can say “I’ll try harder next time.”
In the story of humanity, God is a weak plot device.
You realize that believing something is real does not actually make it real.
You can be a good person for the sake of virtue.
You can emancipate yourself from the stone age.
You can put more emphasis on the laws of men. (It’s the yardstick of society.)
You can speak out against the sexism in the bible.
You can leave your hat on when somebody performs “God Bless America.”
You can eat whatever you want, whenever you want (without worrying about your soul, at least).
You can drink on Sundays.
You can understand why Christian Metal is just plain wrong.
You know that when you win a fight it was all you.
You can get married in a small office and it’s still a real marriage.
You can be a part of a growing American movement (if you’re American).
You can just pass the collection plate on down.
Instead of donating for the building of a new church, you can donate to a new hospital or school.
You can live based on reality, not dogma.
Instead of clasping your hands and talking to the ceiling, you can do something productive.
You will never be tricked into joining a cult.
You can laugh at people who wear silly hats.
You are already an atheist. You just have to go one God further.
Your food stays hot when you don’t take time to pray.
Nobody will constantly tell you you are a sinner and a bad person.
You won’t have to worry about picking the wrong religion anymore.
You can define spirituality on your own terms.
The Popemobile
Your love of country and family both move up a notch.
When people ask you where you go when you die you can say, “in the ground.”
Instead of being a god-fearing man you can become… fearless.
You can kill embryonic cells instead of abortion doctors.
You can judge people based on the content of their character, not the name of their God.
If aliens ever show up, they won’t laugh at you.
Sometimes a tortilla is just a tortilla.
Believing in nothing instead of something invisible isn’t a big change.
It’s better than being a theist.
Bacon tastes good.
Pork chops taste good.
It’s like being in a secret club.
You can be “that guy” that sues the government over every little mention of God.
You’re just going through the motions with that whole church thing, anyway.
Waaaaay less complicated.
Waaaaay less guilt.
Better role models.
You think Divine inspiration is what you get after watching an old John Waters flick.
You’re running out of children to split in half.
Pascal’s Wager Today: You’re going to Hell anyway, you might as well not believe it exists.
You can work on holidays and make cold hard cash.
You can sleep late on Sundays.
You can be 100% reasonable. Instead of 90% reasonable with 10% dedicated to religion.
Blasphemy is pretty god-fucken-damn great ass fucken good shit hole face penis fuck.
You can study all religions objectively and without bias.
You don’t have to eat stale Jesus crackers anymore.
You can stop telling people humans rode around on dinosaurs.
You can rid your life of an egg laying bunny.
Did I mention the bunny is male?
You can save hundreds of dollars a year on Christmas light electricity bills.
Burkas turn into bikinis.
Gefilte fish turns into lobster.
Because praying to God FIXED ALL MY PROBLEMS.
Speaking in tongues becomes less spiritual and more entertaining.
“Turning the other cheek” is just bad advice.
You laugh when you see a “Fiction” sign at a Christian bookstore.
What happens in Vegas doesn’t need to stay in Vegas.
A Thanksgiving Day miracle is when the Detroit Lions cover the spread.
No hell below us; above us only sky.
When you use the bathroom, you’re alone.
You don’t have to pretend you’re a virgin to get a divorce.
Premarital sex
Decorating the Festivus pole.
Being good for goodness’s sake.
How else are you going to be a godless commie?
You can create your own religion (or two).
You won’t be disappointed when you can’t find the 72 virgins.
Telling people you are an atheist is a lot of fun.
Nobody ever went to Hell for being an atheist.
There is no God.