Hey mortals, God here. Man, I’ll tell ya, I have a divine plan and nobody seems to care anymore. I go out of my way to select a messenger, enter his mind in order to control him, and this is the thanks I get.

So here’s what happened, this dude Brian in Santa (coincidence) Ana just uped and fucken decided to stop believing in me. Out of the blue. No warning, no nothing. Hello Brian! Hello! Anybody home? At this point I flipped my lid. The baby-killing Devilcrats win the presidential election and now this. I’m at my wits end, mortals. Anyway, Brian has a particularly delicious and juicy soul that I did not want to lose. So I decided to dip into the flock and get myself a messenger to carry out my bidding on earth. I’d do it myself but then I would have to talk to the press, impregnate a virgin, etc. etc. You understand. Anyway, I figured whoever I picked would have to do some serious damage getting over to Brian’s house. So I whip out my Holydex of Brian’s friends and low and behold I come across former UFC champion, Quinton “Rampage” Jackson. Rampage? The perfect messenger (or so I thought).

So I pluck Rampage, dive into his mind, start making him drive to Brian’s house, and sure enough the Devil shows up. Man we tore it up inside Rampage’s head. I said, “Satan you bastard, take your God-damn foot off the gas!” He tells me to, “go to hell” he calls me a stupid jerk. Ehh, long story short the police, who are on the Devil’s payroll, stop Rampage and he doesn’t make it to Brian’s house. Satan thinks that just because I want my messengers to wreak havoc delivering a message, he can just get all up in my grill.

You may have heard what happened from the OC Register or read about it on godispretend.net. It’s not a total loss, prison is a faith orgy, so at least me and Rampage will improve our relationship. Just another day at the office I suppose…