Me, of course! Two door-to-door Mormon saleswomen (”sisters” their nametags said) visited me today. I saw them on my porch through the window… they knocked on the door. I didn’t feel like talking to them (blasphemy, I know) so I ignored them. But, as if a sign from God, five minutes later they rang the bell. I could not ignore this. By the way, don’t ask me what they were doing out there for five minutes. I like to pretend they were pleasuring each other. After a quick chat, I’m now the proud owner of a high quality* Book of Mormon.

*refers to construction materials not literary content.

My goal was to disagree with everything they said without tipping them off that I am an atheist and without lying.

After some initial pleasantries, one of them jumps right in and starts telling me about the book of Mormon. “It is a record of Jesus that was written on this continent.” Oh, is that so? How can it be a record of things that happened thousands of miles away? “It’s a revelation from God.” (Ah, so your factual account is now a faith account. Sure makes it easier to defend.) Incidentally, Mormons believe that the Book of Mormon was written in 600 BC as a prophecy. This is a hilarious bit of revisionism. Prophecy already suffers from survivorship bias (we tend to ignore the millions of wrong prophecies). It descends into the absurd though when the prophecies are really written 1800 years after the fact.

“Do you believe in God?” I don’t want this to be about my beliefs, rather about yours. (Whew! dodged a bullet!)

So who wrote the Book of Mormon? The Cheyenne? The Apache? (I say to the vaguely native american looking one). They Maya? The blood sacrificing Aztecs? They didn’t have writing systems. “No… and I’m mexican [laughs]. The Book of Mormon was written in reformed Egyptian by prophets on this continent.” Say what? How did they write it in Egyptian? Is this a picture book? When I got the explanation I was convinced… convinced that some people can believe anything.

Apparently, one of their prophets was hanging out in Egypt back in the day when he was driven from the land. He built a boat, sailed with his family to America, and then wrote the Book of Mormon in reformed Egyptian (which I just looked up-there’s no such thing as reformed Egyptian).

Ah, now we had a nice historical claim I could bite my teeth into. I pointed out that the technology to build such a vessel didn’t exist back then. How it wasn’t just a lack of building instructions (thereby preempting the “revelation from God” answer) but also a lack of numerous supporting industries from metalworking to sailmaking, to general construction. I also pointed out that it wasn’t enough to build the ship, it had to be sailed as well. And the techniques and technologies to sail an ocean going vessel wouldn’t be invented for over a millennium. “Oh, surely you don’t believe we’ve discovered everything about the past?” Of course not, but industry and technology at this level leaves a noticeable impact on the historical record.

Now I had them in a bind! I was rejecting their goofball notions under the harmless guise of historical reasoning. “What about Noah’s Ark?” I don’t interpret that story literally. The color drains from their faces but, oddly enough, one still has the permanent smile on and the other still has glazed over eyes. I prepare for more.

After some more explaining, “The answers are all in the Book of Mormon. We can only answer with what we know.” Ah-ha! If your answers are in accord with the book, then how will reading the book explain anything more? It’s your answers that are flawed and the Book of Mormon is going to say the same thing. Your scenario is not realistic. Sensing defeat the other one asks, “Do you believe in God?” Like I said before… “We just want to know your background.” (Ah, that’s a question I can answer without lying!) I tell them the flavor of Christianity I was introduced to as a child.

Then the second one, the one with the glazed eyes, goes into her testimonial. It’s only noteworthy for one statement. “It’s not realistic but I know the Book of Mormon is true from prayer.”

They ask me if I want a copy. It’s free, right? And they tell me about the local weekly gatherings then they’re on their way to accost my neighbors.

So to summarize the steps to become a Mormon in simple Internet idiom:

1. Read the Book of Mormon

2. Pray

3. ????

4. PROPHET!!!

I promise, next time I’ll open the door with a beer in hand and I’ll ask them about the magic underwear.